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"The One"
October 1998:
I started going out with this guy who was adorable! His rockabilly shirts, his pompadour
that would make my heart skip a beat,
and a personality that everybody and their mother loved. He was, and still is a fun guy to be around.
Together I thought we were 1950's picture perfect. The pictures still look cute...
but it would be the begining of a complicated chapter in my life.
He thought we were meant-to-be right off the bat, and I felt the same way.
We really had a blast when things were good.
He envisioned himself being the type of man in Hollywood that would never cheat on his lifelong love.
You know, the kind that the gossip magazines would try to link him with somebody,
but it would never ever be true.
I'm sure there are those, but he was new to the city and all it had to offer.
All the cheezy "50's" morals went out the door with the nightlife...drinks,women, and endless money.
That's always a good start for a person to downspiral and for a relationship to turn into a rollercoaster!
The good times had us renting videos, hanging out with family/friends, doing a rainy-day radio show,
shopping for cool clothes, and going out to fun shows.
Then he cheated on me.
At first I thought it was just a bump in the road, and we'd still live happily ever after.
I'm glad I never have to feel that punch in the gut and the drop of my heart again. All for betrayal.
If you're blind-in-love, you'll do anything possible to keep the relationship chugging along though.
Even if it kills your spirit in the process.
I was always a pretty secure girl...always happy and had my goals for the future.
But being let down in big and little ways weeks after week, month after month
turned my self-respect into nothing.
Losing your self-respect makes an abusive reationship into a normality.
Things would be amazing, then crash, and then he'd beg to take him back....or I would beg him!
It was abusive, because I can't believe I did this to myself over and over and over again.
We kept chasing that 'amazing'.
There is no lesson learned when this is "normal". Things just get worse. Resentment stacks up.
You dont have to be black & blue to be in an Abusive relationship: READ HERE!
What I've learned:
Abuse will affect the most naive girl, to the most educated one. Your body might not be black and blue,
but your heart and spirit can be beaten down to a pulp.
Leaving you to weak and tired to live for yourself.
I'm a big Ava Gardner fan and read her auto-biography.
I think we were exactly like Ava and Frank Sinatra. They loved each other SO much,
but when there is that doubt of cheating in any relationship,
it makes nights-out full of suspicion that turned into dramatic fights.
He was SO restless to find something. I dont know what.
He always found the next GREAT thing in music,fashion...just in anything.
Which I loved 'cause he was ahead of everybody......
but I didn't like him looking for a better girl than me!
I know he knew I would be a great woman/wife some day,
and made sure to string me along. Maybe to keep me in the end,
or maybe to let me go for that elusive great girl? Who knows.
Most of the people he knew had NO idea
what effort he took behind-the-scenes in making me stick around.
Like many girls before and after me,
it was in my head that "THIS is the guy I want to be with!"
and the only person who's going through "thick & thin" was me!
He pulled me down to his level of insecurity, lies and crazy drama.
He'd have girlfriends and dates on the weekends (most that I found out later),
and he'd be over every day with me all through the week. I wasn't 21 yet, so I rarely got to go out with him.
He called me a psycho to his friends, and the next day would come over to hang out
and fill my head and heart with more dreams.
No, things were not fair.
Next: Finding My Self-Respect
